I have recently dived deep into the topic of shame while recording a guided meditation and writing a short e-book on how to release shame. Both the booklet and the pre-recorded healing session are available here.
After several people shared their personal stories with me how they have developed shame resilience or how they healed I became aware that many were not even aware that the emotion of shame was running their lives and limiting their choices in many ways.
The majority of us has no difficulty at all to admit when we feel guilty. It almost seems to be an honourable thing to do. But when it comes to shame many become very still and quiet. This is a topic that we rather keep to ourselves because we don’t even want to admit it to ourselves. It can remain in the darkest corner of our subconscious mind, far away from our conscious awareness. It feels just safer this way.
And in case of that those secrets are exposed and revealed we feel paralyzed, traumatised and are unable to act.
So what is happening exactly? What are we ashamed of?
Well, this varies from person to person and one’s upbringing and cultural beliefs. Even the gender plays a role. But in a nutshell, we can say that those who have experienced severe neglect or abuse during their childhood have usually internalised the emotions of shame to some degree or another including a painful belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with them.
There are two different types of shame. The first one is destructive and the second one is benign and healthy.
Healthy shame can help us to discern which action or behaviour is appropriate in each moment and for the highest good of all concerned and which not. It helps us to live a life which is in alignment with truth and the universal laws. Healthy shame also implies that we do not deny our weaknesses, our insecurities and vulnerabilities and that we allow ourselves to cultivate self-compassion during situations when we feel or encounter shame, failure, embarrassment or disappointment.
Toxic, dangerous, or dysfunctional shame, on the other hand, is highly destructive. It is an attack on the self, and it keeps us, hostage. It often leads to disassociation so that we check out of our body instead of being fully present. When we experience extreme shame we wish to hide from others and ourselves. We wish we could just disappear. Hiding comes always from judgement.
The truth is that we can’t escape from ourselves and we can’t fool anyone either. Everything that we hide, judge or resist is still in our energy field. On a deeper level, we hide because we believe in the illusion of separation. Being transparent with ourselves helps us to be transparent with others.
The problem is that many are not aware that this powerful and often overwhelming feeling of toxic shame is ruling their lives and their choices. It keeps them stuck and it prevents them from taking courageous and soul-inspired action in life, to be open with their feelings, to show their true colours and to ask for what they secretly long for. By opening up and sharing our true feelings we can learn a completely new way of relating to each other. This is where true intimacy starts and head-games stop.
Shame is a common barrier to intimacy, and I observed that those who experience much shame are also hiding their innate gifts and talents from the world.
I make in the following booklet several suggestions how to liberate yourself from toxic shame. And I have also included all stories and comments in the e-book which have been shared with me during my research without mentioning any names to protect the privacy of those concerned.
Awareness is the first step and a key to healing.
Take a piece of paper and a pen and answer the following questions.
- What would I do right now if I would not be ashamed?
- Who would I call right now if I would not be ashamed?
- With whom would I go out if I would not be ashamed to ask?
- Where would I live if I would not be ashamed?
- Which places would I visit right now if I would not be ashamed to go for what I really want?
- What would I do for a living if I would not be ashamed to follow my heart’s guidance and take courageous and soul inspired action?
- What would I say openly or more often to the people who truly matter if I would not be ashamed of my feelings?
- What would I stop doing completely if I would not be ashamed to speak my mind?
- What would I say when I feel that my boundaries are violated when I would not be ashamed or afraid?
- How would my intimate life change if I would not be ashamed of my body?
Soul Archetypes Sub-Personalities Integration
During on-one-one counselling sessions, I often work with subpersonalities and archetypes.
Integrating different sub-personalities can heal our core childhood wounds and trauma and help us to re-establish our connection to our own soul so that we can live our life from a place of integrity, wholeness and truth.
Most sub-personalities are formed early in life to protect or help us cope with being in the world. The sub-personalities are fragments of a whole. They are the parts of us that we use to meet our needs, as well as protect ourselves. We use these sub-personalities to adapt to different situations, to tailor our reactions in order to get the desired response from others.
If we have been criticised for our anger, for example, we might disown this part of us. As a result, we feel ashamed as soon as this emotions arises or ignore and push it down completely. Instead of realising that anger is sometimes a necessary emotion which can help us to identify when we are being mistreated for example we start to feel guilty that this emotion is arising in the first place. In this case, we won’t be able to be assertive in a conflicting situation for example and to speak up if the situation requires it.
The more parts are disowned and rejected the more the individual suffers and it starts to internalize that there is nothing okay with him which leads to a self-destructive behaviour. In this case, even causal everyday situations can trigger the feelings of exposure, anger or fear. This results in tremendous suffering and inner pain. Every encounter and experience is filtered through the lens of shame.
During my counselling work, I noticed that the following three subpersonalities play a significant role in someone’s life who has experienced much shame:
- The Inner Critic
- The Judge
- The Perfectionist
Being unaware of how those sub-personalities are influencing our thoughts and day to day decisions often causes unnecessary turmoil and suffering. By doing the inner work, we can develop a better understanding of our sub-personalities, and use them in benign and constructive ways in our day-to-day lives.
If you would like to look deeper into this topic, please reach out to me, and we can see how I can support you.
Love, Erika
Hi, I am Erika Brose and I offer a beautiful blend of Holistic Healing, Intuitive Counselling, and Coaching and I help people to cultivate self-love, heal emotional and psychological suffering, develop healthy self-care habits and reach their goals.
If you are stuck or are currently struggling with your path we can explore the inner dynamics together and clear the blocks which prevent you from moving forward. After clearing the blocks we can also explore your vision for the future and capture specific goals so that your life can then start to flow in a far more creative and joyful way with new meaning and direction.
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